your fonder heart

To Do

2012-01-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days where I was a g-d hurricane of getting-shit-done.

First, woke up at the butt crack of dawn (duh) and went to the grocery store w Zooz in order to be home for first nap. The schedule is IMPORTANT.

Next, Sean came home to stand guard (play video games on his phone) and I got a massage.....mmmmmmm.

Then, came home and assembled a crib (we are so behind - don't most people do that when they're still pregnant?) w grandpa who took a lot of breaks for photos and snuggling my girl.

After that, second nap rolled around and Mhari Scott, this wonderful photographer sent me our session's complete photo archive and I picked which ones we'd order.

It's not even 4 and I'm already on tomorrow's to do list. Did I mention I went all the way to IKEA yesterday? In the rain?

In other news, jeez, my kid is delightful these days. It's easy to get obsessed w sleep (or lack thereof) but she is so fun to be with - smiley and social and funny! It is a true joy to watch her learn to communicate. She waves goodbye, points at things she likes, signs (only if I do it first) for milk. Today as we walked my dad out and I was saying, "Bye bye, Grandpa! Bye bye!" she pointed and him and then waved, pointed and waved - saying "bye-bye grandpa" in her own way. Love her.

Sleep. Oh, sweet, precious, needed sleep.

2011-12-31T11:16:00.001-08:00

I've written about how great a sleeper our Hazel was for a long time. 6ish weeks to 4 months and then off and on until about 9 months she was a (literally) dreamy sleeper and I felt quite rested and happy about our nighttime/naptime situation.

However, an ear infection sparked some really gnarly, effed up sleep patterns that have remained and have been such a blessing in my growth as a parent.

Zooz was going to bed anywhere between 8-10:30 and sleeping for a while (30 minutes, 2 hours 30 minutes, 4 hours - no rhyme or reason) and then waking up. And staying up. And staying up. And staying up. She would happily bounce around the bed for hours (I am not kidding or exaggerating because I'm so tired. Hours upon hours.), standing at the windowsill and pointing at the dog in the yard, climbing all over Sean and I, generally going crazy. In a mostly pleasant way. But nothing would get her back down. We walked her around the house, tried a pacifier (which has never really worked), sang sleepy songs, nursed and nursed and nursed, rocked in the rocking chair, got up and played to try and tire her out, stayed in bed and played dead to try and bore her back to sleep. The night our friend got arrested and we had to go out to rescue him, we drove her around for over and hour and she just played and talked to herself in her carseat - seemingly not at all tired.

The weird part about this was that it wasn't reverse cycling where her days and nights were mixed up. She didn't make up for these 2, 4, sometimes 6 missed hours of sleep. She napped regularly and was pretty happy and easy to deal with the rest of the time. But I was fucking TIRED.

Then came some nighttime crying (and ear tugging) and wanting to be held upright and walked around to get back to sleep - decidedly worse than just being happy and awake, a car accident and subsequent trip to the doctor where we found out she had an ear infection, ear infection treatment, better sleep for a few nights and then back to night waking.

For 8 nights straight, after her ear infection was healed, she woke for at least 3 hours sometime between 11 and 4 wanting to play and hang out. I was out of my mind.

So, one night, sleep-deprivation-addled and crying, I wrote to a bunch of people to ask for help - Ann Keppler, who I knew did sleep consults, Elizabeth Pantley, who wrote The No-Cry Sleep Solution (for infants and toddlers, as well as the No Cry Nap Solution) who is local and generally responsive via email, and Moorea Malatt, who teaches music, potty and gentle discipline classes and who had helped a friend of mine who was working on night wea

ning.

Moorea got back to me and we had a great phone call in which we talked about several things:

1. The fact that I read all these sleep books and none of them have solutions for long-duration night waking. The fact that she had read even more sleep books and they also had no sections on long duration night waking and what to do about it.

2. Good naps, sleep attire, temperature, before bed snacks and location for optimal 9 month old nighttime sleep.

3. Scheduling sleep.

4. Getting ok with some (attended, compassionate, goal-oriented) crying for Zooz.

5. Not nursing to sleep.

And some other things.

Y'all, this changed my life.

I had been, heretofore, putting Hazel down whenever she seemed tired, which I thought was easier for me than trying to force her to sleep when she wasn't ready, and letting her sleep as long as she wanted. This almost always ended up being right around 10 and right around 3 for naps and somewhere in the 8 vicinity for bedtime.

But sometimes the naps were short and sometimes they were long. And right around 9 months, nursing to sleep stopped working so well, and then hardly at all. Instead of drifting off, she'd get recharged from nursing and get this second wind which decimated any sense of a normal nap time and either resulted in a quick 20 minute power nap or a drawn out 3 hour affair that messed with second nap, dinner time and bedtime.

I didn't want her to cry if I knew I could make her stop. Crying = bad, right? But then something shifted for me with this little lady who was now somewhere between helpless infant and independent toddler. She doesn't cry because she is truly distressed anymore. She cries because she is frustrated, she cries because she is tired but having too much fun to go to sleep, she cries because I moved the knife out of her reach on the kitchen table. None of this crying is often, but it is truly not the end of the world, either. It's just emotion, not pain or devastation.

We made a few adjustments and Hazel started sleeping better right away. Though, for whatever reason, I had been so resistant to a schedule before, I found myself looking forward to knowing what would happen throughout the day. I liked being able to plan things for the in between nap hours and found that Hazel really was tired before she'd get all obvious about it. Even though there are only 2ish hours between first and second nap, she's always ready to go back down by then and this makes for a much nicer (much less cranky) evening. Every night, her amount of crying and complaining became less and within 4 nights she was nursing, then pulling off and snuggling down to sleep on her own in MINUTES.

The first night, she cried for 20 minutes and it was good. Right before Moorea got off the phone she said she had one more suggestion that I might not want to hear. Not nursing to sleep. And I said I wasn't ready for that, which was fine at the time. But that night, at 9:45 when Hazel had been nursing for more than 30 minutes, she pulled off herself, seemingly done, and made for the end of the bed to go play some more. I was having none of that. It was just too late. And she seemed to be on the same page with Moorea - letting me know that it wasn't helping her to sleep anymore. So we stayed in bed. And she "aired her grievances" as Sean calls it. It was good for me to hear the difference in this complaining. It was powerful and angry! And fairly controlled. She was telling me how much she hated this new plan, how much she wanted to go play, but she was ok. So I let her go at it and I told her that I was picking up what she was putting down. And when she was done, she crawled onto my lap and fell asleep. And I didn't feel like a Bad Mother at all.

We are still having some waking where she can't get back to sleep in the middle of the night, but fewer. And, we are still having some nights where she's up 6 times to nurse, but she goes right back down. But we also have a new tooth (her first) and a much easier time getting to bed at night. And I know that she's getting enough sleep at the end of 24 hours. I highly recommend Moorea for any sleep challenges. Something about her attachment minded, yet sane and parent-directed approach completely turned me around on several things in our 45 minute conversation and I am feeling much more balanced as a lady and parent as a result.

Pee Pee In the Potty

2011-11-10T12:26:00.000-08:00

Have y'all heard this awesome Kimya Dawson song? We love us some Kimya Dawson.

When I was pregnant, I read Diaper Free cause I was EC curious. Since I both bristle at labels and find them incredibly helpful, you could call what Hazel and I do some combination of EC, diaper free, toilet learning and clean and dry. Or whatever. Who cares what its called? We might as well call it Pee-Pee In the Potty.

I had seen small babies (just barely walking) be completely potty trained and that shit was appealing. Even though I can't smell, I am completely uninterested in diaper rash, cleaning up poop, cleaning up pee, doing laundry (cloth diapers) and/or trying to teach Hazel to use the potty after a whole long time of not using it and having that process take forever.

There have been many stages and various incarnations of our method.

When Hazel was newborn, I would often leave her without a diaper for two reasons: I wanted her bottom to get air and I was in the process of learning her cues so I wanted to see every time she peed - how frequent, the cues that preceded it and volume. I just laid her on a prefold and put those in my diaper pail as if she had been wearing them.

When she started to roll around (and off the pre fold or towel used to catch misses), she wore a diaper more often. It was there for back up, but I would (and still do) give her the opportunity to go when I'm already changing her - there's a little potty on top of the diaper pail and in most rooms of our house so it's easy for me, whenever its convenient for me and it seems like she's going to need to go, first thing in the morning and whenever I hear tummy grumbling/farting/poop straining.

I always always changed her every time she was wet, as soon as she was wet. I didn't want her to become comfortable in a wet diaper. I want her to make the connection that "I peed" = "I'm uncomfortable" and, therefore "I'll be changed to get comfortable again". If I waited until she was crying to change her, I think she'd lose that inherent understanding between her brain and her bottom.

By 3-4 months, she was dry through naps so I started napping her without bottoms. I'd swaddle just her arms and she'd sleep on a waterproof pad. I knew she'd pee (often the second she woke up) so I'd always take her as soon as she stirred and by month 5 she was holding it until we reached the toilet.

By 6 months (and, really most of month 5), she was completely poop trained and still only poops in the toilet. It is almost always in the morning right after she wakes up.

I would like to stress how incredibly easy our version of toilet learning is. When pregnant me read Diaper Free I was all, "yeah right! Like I'm just going to KNOW when she needs to go." But dude, I totally know when she needs to go. Like 90% of the time. It's so do-able and you can do as much or as little as works for you and your kid.

What's working:

- Poop. Always in the toilet.

- Hazel seems to know when I'll take her and will sometimes hold it (pee) or always hold it (poop) until we get to a toilet.

- Fewer diapers! Fewer loads of laundry!

- Hazel has never even had a hint of diaper rash.

- Mornings. I know she pees a lot in the morning, so if I take her when she wakes, while we're getting dressed and before we leave, we can walk up to the coffee shop without a diaper! (And I taker her as soon as we get there and as soon as we get home).

What's not working:

- Hazel won't sit on the toilet, I have to hold her over it. As she gets heavier, this gets harder for me to do.

- Cues. I don't know when she's going to pee by looking at her. I know she becomes still while she's doing it, but unless she's without a diaper, I'm not sure. So, she rarely goes completely without diaper unless she's sleeping.

I am so glad that we are well on the way to potty independence and it super encouraging to see how much better Hazel gets at it (and how much better I get at it) every day. No more diapers!

All Or Nothing

2011-11-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

I have a post up at Moms Alive about ending (or putting on hold) your judge-y haterade.

Food

2011-11-08T10:57:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids in the Kitchen

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how kids get involved in cooking and feeding. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

Oh, boy. Food.

I had a lot of feelings about feeding Hazel table food. I love love love nursing. After a rocky start, she was a frequent and lovely nurser and I will happily continue to breastfeed as long as she wants to. I didn’t want to give her other food! I didn’t want to consider the beginning of the weaning process.

But then I thought a lot about how much I like food, how much I enjoy cooking and eating, and, especially, how Hazel loves to watch me cook - eating being the logical next step. So I slowly and lovingly made some applesauce. The perfect Washington food. I ate tons and tons of apples, cantaloupe and carrots while pregnant and thought she might find the taste familiar. She was very excited to get in the high chair and wear a bib and hold the spoon, but didn’t like the apples and spit them out, looking disgusted. I tried to give her cantaloupe, carrots, cauliflower and spinach as purees and she choked on/spit them all out.

Then there was hummus.

One day I decided to give her something she could eat herself. She wasn’t into purees and I was tired of making them. I didn’t like that, being so little, she really couldn’t operate a spoon herself so I had to feed her and then she could’t swallow the thin, soupy fruits and veggies.

So, we were standing in the kitchen, and I was eating some hummus and she was watching me, intently. I put a little on my finger and put my finger in front of her mouth, asking, “Do you want some hummus?”

Yes, yes she did. She opened up wide, sucked my finger clean and opened her mouth again - shaking her head the way she does when she searches to nurse. I put more on my finger, gave it to her and she cleaned my finger and opened her mouth again.

She probably ate a half a pint of hummus, grinning the entire time.

So, I started to give her yams, raspberries, potatoes, whole grains and, of course, more hummus in the same way. In small, very soft bits that she could pick up and put in her mouth all by herself. And she dug it.

It’s not officially baby led weaning, which scares me a little (don’t ask me why - I have friends who do it and love it), but it is definitely feeding with love and respect, which is the whole point. I’m glad she is able to pick up the food herself, put it in her own mouth and stop when she’s full. I’m glad she gets to feel it between her fingers and smear it all over her face. It's a relief not to have to feed her - I don't sit there being impatient that she isn't eating while I await her, holding the spoon. I eat my own food, I take cookies in and out of the oven. She entertains herself and, in the process, eats a little.

I hope that she will always love food and that we can enjoy each other and our culinary adventures at the farmers market, at the grocery store, in friend’s dining rooms, in other countries, and in our kitchen. Food doesn’t have to be the end of her babyhood. In fact, I predict she will continue to nurse a long time. But now we have another thing to share - I have another way to bring her into the larger world and she gets to have all the hummus she wants. Everyone is happy.

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Baking & letting go — Cooking with kids can be a mess. Nadia at Red White & GREEN Mom is learning to relax, be patient, and have fun with the process.

Family feeding in Child of Mine — Lauren at Hobo Mama reviews Ellyn Satter's suggestions for appropriate feeding and points out where her family has problems following through.

Children with Knives! (And other Kitchen Tools) — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy teaches her children how to safely use knives.

"Mommy, Can I Help?" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how she lets her kiddos help out with cooking, despite her {sometimes} lack of patience!

Solids the Second Time Around — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts her experiences introducing solids to her second child.

The Adventure of Toddler Tastebuds — The Accidental Natural Mama shares a few things that helped her daughter develop an adventurous palate.

A Tradition of Love — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy looks forward to sharing the kitchen traditions passed on from her mom and has already found several ways to involve baby in the kitchen.

The Very Best Classroom — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts reveals how her kitchen is more than a place to make food - it's a classroom!

Raising Little Chefs — Chef Mike guest posts on Natural Parents Network about how he went from a guy who couldn't cook to a chef who wanted to teach his boys to know how the food we love is made.

In the Kitchen with my kids — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares a delicious soup recipe that her kids love.

Papa, the Pancake Artist — Papa's making an incredible breakfast over at Our Mindful Life.

Kids won't eat salad? Try this one! — Tat at Mum in Search is sharing her children's favourite salad recipe.

Recipe For a Great Relationship — Cooking with kids is about feeding hearts as well as bellies, writes Hannah at Wild Parenting.

The Ritual of Mealtimes — Syenna at Gently Parenting Twins writes about the significance of mealtimes in her family’s daily rhythm.

Kid, Meet Food. Food, Kid. — Alburnet at What's Next? panicks about passing on her food "issues" to her offspring.

Growing Up in the Kitchen — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life shares how her son is growing up in the kitchen.

Harvesting Corn and History — From Kenna at School Garden Year: The kids in the school garden harvest their corn and learn how much history grows in their food.

My Guiding Principles for Teaching my Child about Food — Tree at Mom Grooves uses these guiding principles to give her daughter a love of good food and an understanding of nutrition as well as to empower her to make the best choices for her body.

Kitchen Control — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro writes about her struggles to relinquish control in the kitchen to her children.

Food — Emma at Your Fonder Heart lets her seven month old teach her how to feed a baby.

Kitchen Fun? — Adrienne at Mommying My Way questions how much fun she can have in a non-functional kitchen, while trying to remain positive about the blessings of cooking for her family.

Kitchen Adventures — Erica at ChildOrganics shares fun ways to connect with your kids in the kitchen.

Kids in the Kitchen: Finding the Right Tools — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares some of her favorite child-sized kitchen gadgets and where to find them.

The Kitchen Classroom — Laura at Authentic Parenting knows that everything your kids want to learn is at the end of the ladle.

Kids in the Kitchen — Luschka from Diary of a First Child talks about the role of the kitchen in family communication and shares fun kitchen activities for the under two.

Our Kitchen is an Unschooling Classroom. — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle explores the many ways her kitchen has become a rich environment for learning.

Montessori-Inspired Food Preparation for Preschoolers — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares lots of resources for using Montessori food preparation activities for young children in the kitchen.

My Little Healthy Eater — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares her research on what is the best first food for babies, and includes a healthy and yummy breakfast recipe.

Two Boys and Papa in the Kitchen: Recipe for Disaster? — MudpieMama shares all about her fears, joys and discoveries when the boys and handsome hubby took over the kitchen.

Food choices, Food treats — Henrietta at Angel Wings and Herb Tea shares her family's relationship with food.

learning to eat — Catherine at learner mummy reflects on little M's first adventures with food.

The Night My 7-Year-Old Made Dinner — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! shares how her 7-year-old daughter surprised everyone by turning what started as an idea to play restaurant into pulling off making supper for her family.

Cooking With a High-Needs Toddler — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how Montessori-inspired activities and a bit of acceptance have helped her overcome hurdles in cooking while caring for a "high-needs" child.

Kids in the Kitchen – teaching healthy food choices — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her belief in the importance of getting kids into the kitchen using her favorite cookbook for kids to develop healthy food choices now and hopefully into the future.

Make Milk, Not War — Tamara at Tea for Three remembers the daily food fights as she struggled to feed a picky eater.

teaching baby birds about good food. — Sarah at Small Bird on Fire writes about the ways in which her family chooses to gently teach their son how to make wise food decisions.

5 Ways to Enhance Your Baby or Young Toddler's Relationship with Food — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares simple ways to give your child a healthy beginning to her lifelong relationship with food.

Toddler at the Table: 10 Creative Solutions — Moorea at Mamalady shares tips for preventing meal-time power struggles.

How My Child Takes Responsibility During His Mealtime... — Jenny @ I'm a full-time mummy shares how she teaches and encourages her 32 months old son on adopting good manners and responsibilities during his mealtimes...

Kids in the Kitchen: 6 Tips Plus a Recipe — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares six tips for overcoming some of the the difficulties of cooking with multiple young sous chefs, and a recipe they all can agree on!

How BLW has made me a better parent — Zoe at Mummykins shares how baby-led weaning has changed her approach to parenting.

My Budding Chef — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom is no cook but is happy that her daughter has shown an inclination and manages to whip up yummy goodies for their family.

Kids in the Kitchen: An Activity for Every Age — Gaby from Tmuffin describes how she keeps her kids busy in the kitchen, whether they are one week old or two years old.

The Phantastically Mutlipurposed Phyllo — Ana at Pandamoly shares how Phyllo is used to create enticing dishes at home! Anything can be made into a Struedel!

Kitchen Kids — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen shares her children's most favorite recipe to make, experience and eat.

Independence vs. Connection in the Kitchen: won't you please get yourself your own snack already? — Lisa at Organic Baby Atlanta wishes her daughter would just go make a mess in the kitchen. But her daughter only wants to do it together.

Grandma Rose's Kitchen — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter reminisces about her childhood and dreams of filling her kitchen with people, love, noise, and messes.

Healthy Food Choices for Kids — Jorje offers one way to encourage children to make their own healthy food choices at MommaJorje.com.

Cooking food to thrive rather than survive — Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales is trying to foster a lifetime of good food habits by teaching her children about the importance of avoiding junk, cooking healthy meals, and learning about the whole food process.

Evolution of a self-led eater — Sheila at A Gift Universe shares the story of how her son grew from nursing around the clock to eating everything in sight, without her having to push.

10 Ways Tiny Helps In The Kitchen — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama explores the ways in which her toddler actively participates in kitchen-related activities.

The Complexity of Feeding a Child — Feeding children a healthy diet is no straight-forward task, but Lisa at My World Edenwild shares some general guidelines to help your child thrive.

Lactation Cookies — That Mama Gretchen shares a fun recipe that will benefit both mamas and babies!

50 of the Best Books, Websites, & Resources to Inspire Kids in the Kitchen — Need inspiration to get your kids in the kitchen? Dionna at Code Name: Mama rounds up some of the best books and websites that can serve as a source for ideas, recipes, and cooking with littles fun.

A 4-year-old's smoothie recipe — Jen at Grow With Graces and her son set out to make a smoothie without the usual ingredients. She let him improvise. See how it turned out.

Independent Food Preparation (My Toddler Can Do That?) — Megan at Montessori Moments shares simple ways for children to prepare their own healthy snacks.

Follow Your Gut — Amy at Anktangle shares her philosophy about intuitive eating, and how she's trying to foster her son's trust in his own inner wisdom when he feels hungry.

A TODDLER-STYLE LUNCH + RECIPE — Manic Mrs. Stone photographs how to have messy fun during lunchtime with a helpful toddler.

Hazel's Homies

2011-11-02T09:08:00.001-07:00

Swimming! (etc.)

2011-10-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

Teefs

2011-10-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

I think Zooz's first tooth will be a molar. What?

Tears

2011-10-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, boy, is it difficult to hear your baby cry.

When Hazel was new-born, she cried only at the breast. This is probably part of why it was especially difficult for me to listen to her cries. The one thing we were both supposed to enjoy - my one job, was either hurting her or frustrating her or making her mad. So we fed her with bottles. And she never cried.

I worried about her. She slept all the time and didn't cry. I was sure something was wrong with her. 'Enjoy it", wise mamas would say, "I'll bet you it won't last so get it while you can." I tried. I failed. I still worried.

Then, a little before she turned 3 months, the horrific evenings began. Like a lightswitch turning on, our sweet, easy (for us) girl would start wailing at 6pm every single night. It went on until she would fall asleep for the night, exhausted from crying. She was completely inconsolable and so was I. We tried to help her. ANYTHING to stop the crying.

We tried (at one point I actually made a list so that I wouldn't forget something in my listening-to-crying-for-hours-induced frenzy):
- Bouncing her
- Nursing her
- Bottle feeding her
- Giving her a pacifier

- Darkness/lightness
- Going outside, wearing her on these walks in a carrier, putting her in the stroller,
carrying her in our arms, passing her back and forth (while we drank, outside, illegally)
- Taking clothes off, putting clothes on, turning heat up, turning heat down
- Eliminating things from my diet
- Offering her the breast more frequently all day
- White noise, music, singing to her and silence

But we also tried:
- waving "soothing" essential oils in front of her nose
- swinging her hammocked in a sheet
- several "calming" tinctures
- warm baths
- driving her
- teething solutions

The thing was, it wasn't your run of the mill crying. It was awful (for us). Big, loud sobs with wailing, shaking, choking, sweating, (eventually) real tears, the whole shebang. Purple crying, anyone?

Those few hours every night would have been difficult for anyone to listen to, but particularly since they were such a departure from her usual demeanor, we were quite worried. Many times during the 2 weeks this lasted I thought she might be sick.

I grew to dread the afternoon, because it meant evening (and crying) was coming. I prepared myself with all these tools, ready to try and silence her sounds.

But, it became apparent that there was literally nothing we could do. Nothing. I wanted there to be because I didn't want her to feel pain/sadness/overwhelmed/psycho or whatever it was that was distressing her, but there just wasn't. She was gonna cry.

I don't remember who introduced me to crying-in-arms, but it was such a lovely turning point in my relationship to these episodes. I realized that it's hard to be small, sometimes a baby's gotta cry, sometimes GROWNUPS need to cry and thats fine. If every time I felt sad and cried, someone responded by trying anything they could physically could to stop me, it would defeat the whole purpose. Tears release stress hormones, they make us feel better. Crying is ok.

And then I thought about labor. How it's serious and intense. And, for me, painful. But not bad pain. Just pain. And Hazel should be afforded the same. Sometimes she'll cry and they won't be "bad" tears, just tears.

So, I still try to utilize the crying for comfort approach, even though Hazel is usually quite consolable these days. I hold her and look at her and make myself calm. I do not wish her feelings away, or wish that she would be quiet. I let her have her anger, or frustration, or pain and then we move on. And it feels so much better than trying to fix things.

Vintage Part II

2011-10-16T15:31:00.001-07:00

Vintage Part I

2011-10-16T15:11:00.001-07:00

Baby Strikes a Pose

2011-10-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the I Love Me! Carnival!

This post was written for inclusion in the I Love Me! Carnival hosted by Amy at Anktangle. This carnival is all about love of self, challenging you to lift yourself up, just for being you.

Please read to the bottom to find a list of submissions from the other carnival participants.

I I was walking around Whole Foods during Hazel and my first trip to the grocery store together without Sean's extra set of hands. Hazel was probably 4 months old (which shows you how long our meal train lasted!). I was, having just recently come out of the postpartum fog, meandering around the store, slowly placing items in the cart, but spending an equal amount of time admiring my daughter and pointing things out to her, adjusting my Moby and making phone calls. In the tea and coffee aisle, a small, attractive, dark haired woman approached me and I expected the usual: big smiles for and from Hazel, "your baby is so beautiful!", "how old?", "does she sleep?", "she looks so happy!", "lots of hair!".

The woman, however, did not say any of these things.

She said, "Have you thought about having her model? We always need little girls with hair. That double chin’s gonna go and she'll be PERFECT."

What?

My daughter has, like I also had as a baby, a copious amount of dark hair she was born with and which never fell out. She is also very round and close to 20 lbs. by 5 months. We moved into medium sized pocket diapers when she was 6 weeks old.

And no, I never want her to model. The woman held out a card, expectantly. I looked at it, then at her.

"No, thanks," I said, smiling, trying to be polite.

"Are you sure? In case you change your mind?"

I did not take her card and, in the moment, was a little stuck on/disgusted by her double chin comment. My baby is absolutely perfect, thankyouverymuch. And, she couldn't have known, but I was incredibly proud of the chin and general heft of my kid because she had so many problems eating as a newborn. Each roll was a reminder to me that I was doing a good job as her mama, not an imperfection to be waited out or wished away.

As a child, my parents regularly had agents, friends and strangers tell them, “She should MODEL!”. To say that I was gangly as a kid would be adding a few pounds. I inherited my dad's slim physique and was a very rambunctious, active kid. No matter how much I ate, I was still "starving!!!!" and I was also quite tall. I got my first hint of breasts around sophomore year in high school but didn't really require a bra until sophomore year in college.

My parents didn't reject the idea of modeling. They didn't even consider it in the first place. We never talked about our appearances in our house. There were no fashion magazines. And when, in 8th grade, the yearbook decided that it would suddenly omit the ever-important 8th grade poll (GASP!), I conducted one myself. It included, among categories like "best musician", "best friends" and "funniest" a "best looking" section and, as my father watched me print off 50 or so copies for distribution at school, he shook his head, obviously disappointed. Why should we, 12 year olds, be voting on which of our peers looked the best? He found this an egregious use of printer ink and my time.

Though I am grateful, mostly, for having the wool kept over my eyes, I also wish that I had learned a little earlier the realities of our look-ist culture. I seriously did not know that it benefitted me to be tall, thin and pretty, until I left my parents house and went to college far far away from the grounding influences of home. And, let me tell you, that was a little late to be figuring stuff like this out for the first time.

Pregnancy did some gnarly things to my body and, perhaps for the very first time in my life, I am really paying attention to how I feel about how I look. It’s like a grown-up version of puberty!

I have had a very positive body image for the vast majority of my life and I attribute a lot of that to being raised in a house where I was valued for my intelligence, kindness, work ethic, commitment to fairness and equality and the level of cleanliness in my room. I definitely want to pass these things on to my daughter. But I would like to strike a balance with preparing her for the world we all live in. A world that will evaluate her and her friends partially based on their physical beauty, weight, etc. Not because I want those things to be important to her but because they are a fact of life. When she is old enough, I think I would rather she actively combat this look-ism than have it sneak up on her.

Either way, I don't believe I can profit, or let her profit, from her appearance and simultaneously teach her that what she looks like should never be her highest honor.

Recently, we had professional photos taken of Hazel by Linda Brooks at Linda Brooks Photography, who we adore. After she had processed our photos, she asked if she might hang one in the Birth and Beyond classroom, where Hazel and I have spent so many mornings nursing, playing, hanging out with other mamas and generally adjusting to parenthood. I will spare you the long discussion Sean and I had about it. Because, you see, Sean is on the exact same page about baby modeling as I am and he thought that this was that. I did not. To me there is a difference between art and commercials and eventually he saw it my way (i.e. after browbeating him and he eventually submitted. I joke. Sort of). But it was a good talk for us to have, because, like the lady in the grocery store, and the owner of Sugarlump asking to display a photo of Hazel wearing one of the clips they sell, this won’t be the last time we have to address people noticing Hazel because of the way she looks. I just hope that she acquires the grace and humility to incorporate any attention she might receive into a much more rich and complex understanding of herself as a woman.

So, if you stop by Birth and Beyond, you will see a photo of Hazel on the wall. And I hope you will notice how sparkly her eyes shine, how soft and round and baby-ish she is and know that that big grin was easy to catch on film because she is so quick to smile and that the photo went up without any compensation for our family. She’s there because we like Linda’s work and because B&B’s classroom is a special place for us, not because she’s pretty.

Thank you for reading this post from the I Love Me! Carnival. Please take some time to read the contributions from the
other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by the afternoon of October 28th with all the carnival links.)

The Art of Being Thoughtful – Becky at Old New Legacy likes that she is mostly thoughtful but wants to become more thoughtful. She shares a story that demonstrates that giving gifts doesn't have to be expensive.

I love me (and running)! – Sheryl of Little Snowflakes writes about her new love of running and how it has helped her learn to love herself!

For the Love of Moe – Valerie at Momma in Progress shares her thoughts on a body forever changed, but forever loved.

Where I Find My Worth – Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how finding her worth in worldly things always falls short.

Oh Yeah, I'm Cool – Tree at Mom Grooves shares her very favorite gift and the thing she most wants to pass on to her daughter.

Loving – Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis talks about some of the things she loves about herself - some easily, and some by choice for the sake of healing.

Baby Strikes A Pose – Emma from Your Fonder Heart writes about her family's decision not to let their 7 month old model, and uses the opportunity to think more deeply about girls (young and old) and how they determine their self-worth.

I Love Me! - A Rampage of Appreciation! – Terri at Child of the Nature Isle stops waiting for anyone else to tell her she is wonderful and goes on a rampage of appreciation for herself!

Raising Healthy Daughters – In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Kate Wicker offers tips to pass on a healthy self-image to the young ladies in our care.

Unexpected Benefits of a Healthy Pregnancy – How does it feel to have a healthy pregnancy? Dionna at Code Name: Mama discovers that making positive choices can be empowering.

Filling Up Our Watering Cans – Nada at miniMOMist believes that practicing Sabbath is the same as being a gardener who lovingly tends to the flowers in her garden. She needs to fill up her watering can first.

Better Body by Baby – Jess from Mama 'Roo and Family Too! shares how having her first baby makes her feel even more beautiful and confident about her body than ever before.

These Breasts Were Made for Nursing – Becoming a mother helped Mandy from Living Peacefully with Children to embrace her womanhood and improve her self image.

Yeah, I'm Pretty Cool – Amanda at Let's Take the Metro writes about her own self love and how she hopes to foster the same self-respect in her children.

Who I've Become – The future is bright with That Mama Gretchen who shares her past and present perspective on body image and how she hopes to become a change agent with her daughter.

Ever-Evolving Me – Joella at Fine and Fair writes to her daughter about her innate drive to continue learning, growing, and evolving.

I love you for your mind – Lauren at Hobo Mama turns a dubious phrase on its head with a little self-loving slam poetry.

Stop Think of Love with Your Body – Amy of Peace 4 Parents shares an exercise to gradually transition from hating to loving your body - stretch marks, sags, imperfections, and all.

I Love Me! – Jenny @ I'm a full-time mummy shares the things that she loves about herself!

caught in a landslide – jaqbuncad of wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! shares a list of reasons why zie loves hir body.

Love Your Tree – How do you picture the ways your body and mind change? Amy at Anktangle writes about how trees help her have perspective about her own growth over time.

Pumpkin Butt – Zoie at TouchstoneZ writes about how birth and pumpkins are the way to accepting her body

I do love me – Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about the lessons about loving herself she wants to pass along to her daughter.

Appreciating Who I Am – Linni at An Unschooling Adventure describes the things she likes about herself and the way she appreciates who she is as a person.

I love me! : A journey – Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares her journey on arriving at the point where she can say: I love me!

My Daughter Doesn't Care So Why Should I? – Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama calls herself on the carpet for the image of self love and beauty she portrays in front of her toddler.

Finding out who I am – Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares an exercise that helped her identify positive qualities she possesses, and how that has helped her learn to love herself.

World Babywearing Week

2011-10-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

Babywearing is the best. As "carrying animals", it just makes sense to keep our babies close. And, maybe it's because I have a particularly cuddly, loves-to-be-held kid, but pretty much any problem in our house can be solved by picking her up.

My dad wearing me in 1984:

Me wearing Hazel last month:

In honor of baby wearing week, I'll be teaching a class a Birth and Beyond covering benefits, carriers, holds and practice. Come!

African Babies Don't Cry

2011-10-04T13:32:00.000-07:00

This is really about adults sleeping with babies and less about Africa, but the two, for me, are forever linked.

I spent a few short months* in Africa when I was in my early twenties and stayed with two generous families in Namibia – in the capitol, Windhoek, and the rural North. When I am asked why I put my baby on the toilet to go to the bathroom (sometimes) or why we share a bed, I trace my attachment parenting tendencies to the time I spent in Namibia.

The family I stayed with in The North (that’s what locals call Oshiwambo land bordering Angola) had many children and adults living on one parcel of land. When I was dropped off, most of the family was away. Wearing only black beaded necklaces, two small children (one around 2 years and the other, roughly 14 months) and their aunt greeted me when I arrived. Over the course of a few weeks, I watched these babies both use the “toilet” – Number 1 in a concrete latrine with 3 walls that we all used for “showering” (pouring a bucket of water over ourselves that we retrieved from the well) and Number 2 in a hole that was dug between the living area and the fields just for them because they were too small to grab a hoe in the morning and walk into the toilet area in the field to dig a hole. They did not wear diapers. The family did not own any toilet paper.

At night, these two children slept with older brothers, sisters and cousins. They had both moved out of their parents’ bed, but there was never a question that they would sleep with someone. Teens got their own beds (if there were enough to go around) and the boys went into their own hut to sleep together once they started going through puberty. Babies slept mostly with their mamas if the babies were still nursing and if their mamas were around. Otherwise, they slept with older female relatives. A childless aunt was a popular choice, unless she was childless due to mental illness or general surliness.

There is this thing some people say, “African babies don’t cry”. African babies absolutely do cry. All babies do. But, in my experience, African babies don’t cry alone at night or even sleep in a room by themselves. I doubt you would ever hear, in the communities I visited, anyone discuss Crying It Out or spoiling their babies. And, thus, in my experience, African babies cry less often and for shorter duration than *some* American babies. Perhaps because children take on responsibilities fairly early in these large families (they have no choice, there is a lot to get done) and, therefore, grow up FAST, or because their mothers recognize the incredibly brief nature of their children’s babyhoods and their own lives – as death is such a salient, every day thing in Southern Africa, that they sleep together. And sometimes nurse a them a “long” time. And hold them a lot. All behaviors we tend to analyze, belabor and debate here in the States.

I knew before I even got pregnant that my future baby would sleep with me. All the reading and talking with like-minded parents reinforced this plan, but I’ll be honest, the idea originated in my heart more than anywhere else. I just knew that our bed was the right place for her.

I began by sleeping in my own parents bed. I travelled halfway across the world and watched some other babies sleep in their parents beds. And then I had a kid and she now sleeps in my bed. Because it’s safe. Because I already had a bed and I didn’t have a crib and an extra bed would take up valuable space in my 900 square foot house. Because it’s warm. Because it makes it easier for me to breastfeed and get back to sleep. Because it allows me to check on her, even while I am sleeping. Because it’s cozy and delicious and fleeting.

It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, that the bed better be on the floor. The other adult, if there is one, has to be on board with baby-in-the-bed. Everyone needs to lay off the booze/prescription painkillers/recreational drugs before bedtime. And all that stuff. But after you check off the safety list, I think it’s a pretty sweet arrangement.

Anything can be normalized. For me, sleeping with an infant in bed is completely normal and for you, sleeping without an infant in bed may be equally normal. Neither is best or better. But I savor every minute and I take real and mental pictures/videos of all the snuggling, yawning, sleep smiles and sleep laughing (my god it’s cute) because all too soon she will be gone from my bed and then my house and I will miss every sleepy moment.

*I will say that I did not properly live there (with permanent residence), nor do I speak for any African or even in observance of any African outside Namibia. I think that too often Africans are all lumped together (usually as lion hunting, tribal, non-English speakers) by White folks who briefly visited or saw pictures of them. There are as many kinds of African families as there are American, French, Chinese and Canadian ones. I speak only from my limited personal experience. Ok, public service announcement officially over.

When a Doula Has a Baby (Part II)

2011-09-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I wrote about what it was like to have a baby after attending a whole mess of births as a doula. For me, a more complicated question posed by friends, family and doula clients has been, “How did having a baby change the way you doula?”

One of the most frequently asked questions in my interviews with new families used to be, “Have you given birth?”. Of course they wanted to know. Does your mechanic drive a car? Probably. Is your butcher a vegetarian? Probably not. As the Seattle doula community grows to include more and more young women, like myself, who work full time attending women who are doing something they’ve never actually experienced themselves, this question becomes more and more interesting.

Before, I would talk about it thusly:

No, I have never given birth to a baby. However, you (potential client) aren’t asking me to give birth, you’re asking me to help YOU give birth. I have helped lots of ladies give birth.
Something I can bring to a woman in labor that may be beneficial is a blank birth slate. I have no joy, sorrow, baggage or otherwise around my own body, baby or process so I can be wholly present for you and your unique situation/experience.
Logistically, I can get to you quicker, I can stay with you longer and be more available than someone with kids.
And, finally, I totally get it if you want someone who’s had a baby and ______, _______, ________ are all good doulas to contact.

All of those things are still true and if a friend were to ask me, when interviewing doulas, if they should go with _______, who has not had a baby, or _______ who has. I would still say all of the above.

However, there are some things to add.

It’s not as simple as “people without kids have more time”. Yes, before I had a daughter I could take off at a moment’s notice – dropping whatever project/movie/party/shower I was currently partaking in and zip off to the hospital/birth center/house of the laboring mama. Now, I would have to wait for someone to get to my house before I left and make sure there was pumped milk ready. Then say goodbye to my babe and THEN zip off. That, duh, would take longer than before. But it’s also that I am always mentally in two places when I am away from home. My clients will never be first again. My daughter will always be. There is a way you can be 100% present for other people before you have a baby that abandons you. You will now always be distracted. You are, in a different sense, always on-call. Because once Sean got oil from chilis on his bare hands and had to go to the emergency room, and you can bet your bottom that if I were at a birth I would have very lovingly told him to get himself some morphine to take home because I was busy. If Hazel was sick, or broke a bone, or whatever, I would come home to be with her.

Traditionally, back-in-the-Old-Days, doulas (and midwives for that matter) were the childless. Perhaps because it worked out best – those women weren’t so loathe to get up in the middle of the night, could leave to be with a laboring woman at any time and could focus on her entirely, without having to soothe, nurse, play with, put to sleep, etc. another child.

Of course, doulas with children are amazing at births. Because they know. That goes without saying. But there are challenges to being a doula and a mama.

I have, embarrassingly, made the cardinal sin of saying to a woman regarding her contractions, “I know”. No I did not know! And I vowed in doula training that I would never say that. I think that the few times it popped out I meant to say, “So many women have done this before, I know, because I was there. And they struggled, too. And they were scared and strong, too. I know, because I was witness to their hard hard work. You can do this because they did it and I am transferring all of that wisdom and strength through these words.” But, come on. “I know” was so wildly inappropriate. No amount of watching women give birth can make your body feel what it’s like. When my doula, whose 4 year old was at home during my labor, said, “I know” from her wide open, sympathetic eyes as she watched me pound the bathroom tiles with my fist, it really meant something to me. And I believed her when she told me I could do it because she seemed credible. Did my clients believe me when I said the same? I don’t know.

More than anything, my own birth restored my faith in birthing. Over the years I saw many lovely births – both ones that went as planned and ones that didn’t. But in the mix were so many cervixes which “failed” to progress, shy babies reluctant to come, women beat up and bruised, both physically and emotionally by their births, their providers or themselves. And I felt all of their sadness and disappointment deeply. To have my own birth be one that went quickly, smoothly and so much according to plan, it again planted in me the belief in women, babies and birthing as things that make sense.

When a doula has a baby

2011-08-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

I’m a doula. I attended hundreds of women in labor before i got pregnant myself and as I’ve made the transition from full time doula to full time mama, other mamas have asked how birth hit me being

familiar with it and from friends and clients about how i look differently at doula work since having a baby.

I found doula work quite by accident and just knew I was home at my very first birth. The power of women, of families, going through the process of bringing a baby into their lives is glorious, beautiful, addictive. Within months of getting started I was busier than I wanted to be and worked 4 lovely years as a birth doula, meeting many many new souls and new mamas and papas along the way.

It is unusual in the States for women to witness birth before they do it themselves - hence, the existence of paid, professional doulas in the first place. Many other countries in the world, women and even girls see sisters, friends, aunts and neighbors birth their babies before th

ey even think about getting pregnant. Here, I would say it’s pretty rare for a woman to have any exposure at all to real birth - don’t get me started on the tv versions.

So, as a rare commodity, a woman who knew all about birth before birthing, here’s my list of things I knew and things I very much did not know about getting pregnant, having a baby and raising said baby.

I had lots of idealistic visions of how I would go about things. I would practice yoga. I would keep working. I would be glowy and joyful. I would have a completely natural pregnancy and birth and it would look good on me. Syke! It was mostly the opposite of that.

I knew...

That I would do my best to have a home birth and that I would not be psycho about this choice. When I would tell one of Sean’s friends (who had two babies at home) that I was hoping for a homebirth he couldn’t understand why I didn’t say it definitively. like, “We ARE having a home birth” “We WILL have a water birth!”. I knew that gripping so tightly to one plan was the least likely way to make it happen, so I tried to be cool and flexible.

That I would fall so madly in love with this babe. Seriously. She is the best.

I did not know...

That I would throw up every. day. None of my clients had hyperemisis, though I knew it was a thing (that I didn’t officially have - just so much throw up), and I kept waiting for it to pass but it never did. 12 weeks came and went. Then 20, 25. Around 8 months the nausea abated but was still a big part of my life.

That I would feel so crazy. I had major mood swings all through the first half of my pregnancy, dramatically bowing out of a good friend’s wedding shower the day of, crying all the time, feeling generally disagreeable and pouty. Why? No reason, just bein’ pregnant and out of my mind.

That I would get so huge. My 135 pound body stopped looking at the scale around 215. Yeah, that’s 80 pounds. I didn’t recognize myself (and my joints still complain). And that belly was HUGE, y'all, even after the baby came! JenMen's brilliant strategy to buy some awful target dresses and then transition to Sean's jeans before getting myself some almost back to normal jeans was brilliant.

That I would be so sensitive. We planned on having the baby sleep with us and if my in-laws even hinted about being unsupportive, I’d lose it. Strangers would ask me if I was having twins, if i was past due - starting around 5 months, or, my favorite, if such a huge baby could physically get out of when I was at the grocery store (or wherever) and I would carry around hateful feelings towards them ALL DAY. To be fair, I was really really huge and their questions were valid but I could not understand why they would actually ask them.

That birth wouldn’t be too hard. I focused a LOT on what it would feel like, how it would go, who would take pictures, who would be invited, who would not be invited. It worked out perfectly, almost easily. I was very lucky.

That I would hate breastfeeding. That I would soak my sheets at night with sticky milk. That my boobs would hurt. That I would resent my baby (earmuffs, Hazel!) for needing to eat because she hurt me so much. That she would not be able to eat for a little while. That she would be hungry and that that would turn me into a compulsive baby weigh-er long after she got it straightened out. That I would consider quitting breastfeeding and seriously think about using formula by choice, not necessity.

That I would loooooooove breastfeeding. That I could sit and stare at my baby for anhour while she ate (this is still true). That I would want to help other women with breastfeeding struggles. That my role as “breastfeeding mother” would become such a huge part of my identity.

And, overall, I just had no idea how out of control I would feel - of my body, my emotions, my time. Immediately postpartum, I had no idea how often I would be completely naked, how long I could happily stare at my baby, how difficult it would be to get the laundry done or to take a shower, how desperately I would need my postpartum doula (I won’t go on, but I’ve talked about her before...), how utterly interruptible I would be for the rest of my life.

I suppose, as a doula, I focused so much on birth - whether or not it would be hard for me, whether I would have a cesarean, where it would ultimately take place, that I forgot to take into the consideration the parts that ended up being the most challenging for me: being pregnant and breastfeeding.

The difficulty I had was both a blessing and a curse. It has cured me of my compulsive and perfectionistic tendencies. My house is a sty (as I fondly call it) much of the time and I am learning to be ok with that. My eyebrows are unplucked most of the time and i am learning to be ok with that.

I know that I will never again step foot in the house of a baby under 8 weeks old without bringing a fiber-filled, delicious meal, doing the dishes and a load of laundry no matter how much the mother of the under-2-month baby politely protests. This was true before but is even more so now; I will always always always smile at pregnant women and never ever ever mention anything about their size (so small! so big! whatever!). and i will be very careful about the way I talk to a postpartum mom. I will be as kind and supportive as I possibly can be of whatever she is feeling - even if she is acting insane or mean. I will tell her she is doing a good job. I will tell her she is a good mom. She needs to hear it.

Part two (the doula lens) on it’s way...

Circumcision

2011-08-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Sean and I didn't know what we were having and went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth about circumcision (me mostly against and him leaning toward yes). In typical lawyer fashion, he researched and wrote a foot noted paper. Here are the fruits of his labor. I removed all the parts where he shares his own opinion. Which way would we have gone, can you guess?

To chop or Not to Chop - A father's perspective on infant male circumcision

Religious Foundations

Throughout history Muslims and Jews have circumcised their male children as a religious obligation. The lack of a foreskin is biblically described as a outward sign of the covenant between the Jews and God. “And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations. This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.” (Genesis 17:9-11) The books of Genesis and Leviticus go on to command that Jews circumcise their servants, slaves and all men of their house.

As for Islam, there seems to be no direct verse in the Koran that dictates male circumcision as a religious obligation, however it is widely believed that the prophet Muhammad was indeed circumcised one of three ways: 1 – That he was born circumcised, 2 – That Jibreel circumcised him when he split open his chest, or 3 - That his grandfather ‘Abd al-Muttaalib circumcised him according to the Arab custom.

Until very recently Catholics and Christians have looked down upon circumcision. This is not surprising considering the historical anti-Semitic stance in Europe as a whole and the close association of Judaism with the practice. Over the time various Roman Emperors and later the Popes have passed laws and edicts forbidding even Jews form removing the foreskin of their servants, kids etc.

Early Medical Opinions

It appears that most of the “medical” research prior to the late 1800’s and persisting through the early 1900’s was based around the notion that masturbation and nocturnal emissions were a “condition” or disease of moral deprivation and were physically damaging. The foreskin was thought to be the main culprit in the crime of masturbation and thus it had to go. Interestingly, in “extreme” cases of chronic masturbation many of the scientists of the period called for castration. The removal of the foreskin was claimed to be the cure many other conditions along the way from epilepsy to various types of cancer.

In 1942, at the battle of Guadalcanal and the battle of El Alamein, the US military reported large numbers of service men suffering from a outbreak of phimosis and paraphimosis which lead to mass circumcision of fighting men in the immediate combat area. So from about 1850-1950, the practice made a slow and steady march toward universal male circumcision at the time of birth. For a more detailed (and highly opinionated) timeline of the history of circumcision please see “Circumcision Timeline - A History of Medical Error, Medical Fraud, and Medical Abuse” by Frederick Hodges.

Current Medical Debate

The current medical debate seems to gravitate for the most part around the American Academy of Pediatrics policy statement. The statement was first issued in 1999, then reaffirmed in 2005, and was made after the task force reviewed relevant published research on the matter from the last 40 years. The official statement reads:

“Existing scientific evidence demonstrates potential medical benefits of newborn male circumcision; however, these data are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision. In circumstances in which there are potential benefits and risks, yet the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child. To make an informed choice, parents of all male infants should be given accurate and unbiased information and be provided the opportunity to discuss this decision. If a decision for circumcision is made, procedural analgesia should be provided.”

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/pediatrics;103/3/686

The APA website offers links to journal articles and research that make up the most current debate. After reading albeit a small sample of these articles it appears that most of the debate is currently focused around two studies, one focused on the possibility of the prevention of Urinary Tract Infections and the other around reduced transmission of HIV. Each study claims a small but statistically significant reduction in the chances of UTI and transmission of HIV when comparing circumcised men to uncircumcised men.

HIV

Much of the HIV debate occurs in what appears to be more of a public health realm rather than an individual patient-doctor-parent level. The study, done in South Africa, where about 30% of pregnant women and 25% of males aged 30-34 are HIV positive (not necessarily representative of any US population, much less my own), showed a reduced chance of HIV transmission in circumcised men than in uncircumcised men. It should be noted that while the study was peer reviewed and methodically sound, the results and conclusions of this study are not accepted by all in the field and other studies are currently under review. The Official APA Policy Statement regarding STD’s and HIV reads:

“Evidence regarding the relationship of circumcision to STD in general is complex and conflicting. Studies suggest that circumcised males may be less at risk for syphilis than are uncircumcised males. In addition, there is a substantial body of evidence that links noncircumcision in men with risk for HIV infection. Genital ulcers related to STD may increase susceptibility to HIV in both circumcised and uncircumcised men, but uncircumcised status is independently associated with the risk for HIV infection in several studies. There does appear to be a plausible biologic explanation for this association in that the mucous surface of the uncircumcised penis allows for viral attachment to lymphoid cells at or near the surface of the mucous membrane, as well as an increased likelihood of minor abrasions resulting in increased HIV access to target tissues. However, behavioral factors appear to be far more important risk factors in the acquisition of HIV infection than circumcision status.”

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;103/3/686

So some results of the studies support the conclusion that mandatory circumcision for all infants will reduce societal wide HIV rates and some indicate the exact opposite. While interesting from a public health and Third World development stand point, (not to mention bio-ethic neocolonial), from an expecting First World father’s point of view I am primarily concerned with my own son, not the likelihood of a small percentage decrease in societal wide HIV rates over periods measured in decades. I personally believe, for my own child as for all children, that the best way for an individual to avoid HIV transmission is responsible sexual behavior coupled with the use of condoms, regardless of the presence of a foreskin.

UTI

The UTI debate can be boiled down this way: there is reliable data that shows circumcised infants have less of chance of contracting an UTI. This fact is not in controversy. What is debatable, however, is just how much circumcision reduces the infant’s chances of contracting an UTI. The earliest data mostly comes from studies in the mid 1980s. The more recent research appears to show that the earlier studies may have over-estimated the risk reduction. Some research estimates that the risk reduction, while still statistically significant, is slight (please refer to illustrations 1 and 2) and is likely most helpful for boys who were already at a higher risk for contracting a UTI. Lastly, there is recent data on circumcised and uncircumcised infant boys who were fed only breast milk which appears to show little or no statistical difference the two groups regarding an increase in UTIs. Perhaps our high rates of formula supplementation effects these numbers? There is very little research done specifically on the effects of exclusive breastfeeding and UTI risk reduction.

An expecting father must weigh the value of an irreversible surgical procedure vs a reduction in risk of infant UTI or a strong religious belief system that requires circumcision for admittance or acceptance into the family’s religious society. This decision may or may not be affected by the family’s decision/ability to exclusively breastfeed the baby.

I cannot display the graphics in this format! Darn! You can find them below:

Both Graphics sourced from David Alwin MD at http://www.infocirc.org/uti2.htm

Please See: T, Agha M, Dick PT, Feldman W. Cohort study on circumcision of newborn boys and subsequent risk of urinary-tract infection.Lancet 1998; 352: 1813-16.

Williams N, Kapila L. Complications of Circumcision. Br J Surg 1993; 80:1231-36.

Pisacane A, Graziano L, Mazzarella G, et al. Breast-feeding and urinary tract infection. J Pediatr 1992;120:87-89.

Taylor JR, Lockwood AP, Taylor AJ. The prepuce: Specialized mucosa of the penis and its loss to circumcision. Br J Urol 1996; 77:291-295.

Hunger

2011-07-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

I want to tell the story of my breastfeeding journey - partly in case anyone ever reads this and finds needed assistance, comfort, support or tools and partly so that I won't forget it.

Hazel was born and it was glorious. That night, our first nursing, which I felt so confident about ahead of time, just didn't come together. What was wrong? After all I had helped initiate nursing with literally HUNDREDS of newborns and mamas. Hazel was certainly interested. I was trying my hardest. But she seemed, strangely, unable to nurse. I held her at the breast and she searched and gaped but was uncoordinated and cranky. So different from her peaceful birth and patient taking in of our dark, happy living room and all the ladies in it. She cry/coughed (which several doctors later told me is an infant's "ouch" sound) and soon fell asleep. I stayed up with her that whole night (which made 2 nights without sleep - I felt fine, such are the hormones of labor and birth) and offered her a couple more times but she didn't eat.

The midwives had told me to hand express and syringe feed her and see how things went until their next visit. I did that, offering her a few mls as often as I could. When Jenn came back to weigh Hazel on the morning of her "third" day (she was born late at night and Jenn came early in the morning her third day - the middle day was the only full one) she was 8 lbs. 1 oz. She had lost 12 oz in just over 24 hours. Makes me glad we let her cord pulse for 20 minutes. That meal lasted her several days.

Babies are not to be properly worried about until they have lost 10% of their birthweight, so she could have lost 2 more oz. without requiring some special attention, but I couldn't feed her and I was scared.

My wonderful, amazing, birth team arranged a lactation consultant to come to the house and in the meantime we scheduled an appointment with the feeding clinic at Children's.

Emily, the lactation consultant, came and was awesome. She listened to me freak out, tried to watch Hazel latch (but she was too sleepy and hungry to try by then) and referred me to Isabella Knox (tongue tie specialist) at UW and Dr. Cavanaugh (magical cranio-sacral osteopath). She loaned me a Hygeia hospital grade pump (I will not further proselytize Hygeia but suffice it to say, it's my pump of choice) and I started pumping.

After we saw Dr. Cavanaugh the next day, Hazel slept all day. Our dear friends Sally, Marina and Brenda offered us their frozen milk until mine came in and I was ready to finger feed her but she barely woke. That night when we laid down for bed, she latched for probably 40 minutes and ate, beautifully, then went back to sleep. That feels like a dream now - I was so tired, worried, in love. I didn't know what nursing would feel like, just that I hadn't felt it yet, and to have her latch so well, with no pain, while we both napped was really delicious. I love you, Dr. C! It was an aberration and she didn't latch again for a while but it bolstered my confidence and made me insanely happy. I would still call his bodywork on Hazel the beginning of our "cure" and can absolutely see why he charges an arm and a leg. I think I would have literally given him my arm and leg if he could promise me nursing.

I pumped with Emily's pump and my milk came in, with gusto, on day 4 (the day after Cavanaugh) and I got to start putting my own milk in the syringes we used to feed her. This method was taking forever, and though it made me sad (I wanted her to NURSE before we started using bottles), we switched to bottles for simple ease of transfer and saving of time. Sean was incredibly relieved to cut our feeding times by half.

I pumped. And pumped. And pumped. And pumped. I will go backward and say that my right boob started leaking colostrum at 16 weeks pregnant. I am not kidding. I gave colostrum to a couple babies who needed extra calories in their first few days during my pregnancy and knew I would make milk when Hazel arrived. For this I feel incredibly thankful and lucky. I didn't know how the birth would go but I thought that feeding, at least, would be fine.

Emily thought that Hazel might be tongue tied, which indeed she was. Dr. Knox talked with us about tongue clipping and we hemmed and hawed. Hazel's tie was posterior and it was hard to tell if tongue clipping would help her.

Robin at Children's gave us exercises to do with her, a proper sized nipple shield after watching me cry through a feeding and telling me that simply wouldn't do, and instructions on positioning and latch. We waited a week or so (with some Cavanaugh visits sprinkled in) and Hazel ate a little better.

But she still needed to gain, I was still quite uncomfortable and things were not well with the feedings. I continued to pump, was engorged and got plugged ducts. My nipples hurt. A lot. I wore soothies from the fridge all the time. I dreaded feeding time. I loved her a little less when she was nursing - and hurting me - and that felt awful.

I almost quit 100 times. I called mama friends and asked how on earth they made it. I cried a lot. I told Sean that we should just switch to formula. And I was seriously committed to breastfeeding! If I could so quickly get to the place where I was ready to abandon breastfeeding, with such excellent support, how often does this happen to less well educated/well supported women?

Things slowly got better - with body work from Dr. Cavanaugh, exercises and kinesio-tape from Robin at Children's, tongue clipping by Isabella and time. My water broke early in labor without much change in my cervix and Hazel's head sat on it for a while - maybe squished against some bone that gave her torticolis. This could have started even earlier in pregnancy. Who knows how long our breastfeeding challenges were in the works!?

I have learned since that this is not an uncommon medical circuit for Seattle babies. Many babes seem to see the trifecta of Children's/tongue tie specialist/Dr. Cavanaugh for feeding problems. While I am so very glad that we now nurse easily, without pain and with plenty of milk (Hazel is the size of your average 9 month old), I wonder if so many babies truly have all these problems. What would they have done 100 years ago? Could she have learned to nurse without getting her tongue clipped?

Ultimately, though it meant lots of car rides early in her life and less self imposed bed-ridden snuggling, I am glad I was pro-active and that we got everything resolved so quickly. Our last vestige of trouble - a nipple shield on just the left side - was gone by about 2 months. I love nursing. It is my favorite part(s) of every day and I would gladly nurse Hazel until she wants to stop.

The legacy of this whole process is that I am perhaps overly sensitive to Hazel's hunger. I never want her to get hungry and offer her food much more often than she accepts it. We never give her bottles now and I can immediately get in touch with those touchy postpartum feelings when friends or acquaintances talk about any breastfeeding trouble.

My hope is that we've used up our quotient of breastfeeding problems and that the next baby will be a super-nurser from birth!

***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!

You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

sleep (that's all for now)

2011-07-23T10:13:00.001-07:00

(This photo is from back when Hazel was a "baby" and would literally fall asleep sitting up.)

All I have to say about last night is this: 8:00p-4:ooa. 8-4, baby. Side to sleep, belly shortly thereafter and happily face planted until glorious glorious 4:00am.

Today, walking back from the coffee shop with the Zooz, I met a stranger. This neighborhood stranger has a baby which means that we were immediately besties. Sleep, baby carriers, due dates and the dearth of girls in our age group were all on the agenda. We had literally a 20 minute conversation about swaddling vs. non-swaddling and agreed to start a "babies of wallingford" facebook group by the end of today. What a productive stranger chat. (Not a stranger anymore! What's up, Rob?!)

sleep (update)

2011-07-22T20:03:00.001-07:00

(The picture at left is my very safe version of co-sleeping. Syke.)

Last night, #3 of not swaddling went like this:

A later than usual bedtime due to a super long evening nap led to the start of the longest sleep being more around the time I go to bed - sweet.

After she finished nursing, Ms. Zooz looked at her waving hands and patted me before sucking her thumb to bed (add thumb sucking to the previous list of reasons to ditch the swaddle - no boob necessary!) This is one of the rare times she hasn't needed to nurse to sleep at night. Sweet.

After a 5 hour stretch, she stirred, seemed a little sleep-perturbed and I realized she and I were soaked with pee - gross - and...she was on her belly! I changed her diaper and by the time I had put away the old one she was back to sleep without needing to nurse. Sweet. Slept another hour and half. Sweet.

Then I considered the fact that she has been eating more during the night than during the day and thought, foolishly, that if I pumped ahead of her next waking and then comfort nursed her back to sleep with empty boobs (boobs are never fully empty, but you know what I mean) that she'd be hungrier the next day. Stuff like that never works. She woke every hour after that.

Tonight we try disposable diaper, my best attempt to tank her up during the day and, again, a little later bedtime (this evening due to the GD dog who usually wakes her up at least once a day).

I have some hope that the belly sleeping will go smoother cause, as JenMen pointed out, she was sort of practicing it today. Usually her tummy time is all (good natured) effort and movement but there was a lot of laying on her belly, arms outstretched and turning her head to the side to rest. I like where this is headed.

sleep

2011-07-21T09:01:00.001-07:00

Talk to any new parent. ANY new parent. And they will have something to say about sleep. We've been so lucky with Hazel. Starting around 6 weeks when I stopped changing her at night and allowed her to "declare herself" (grunt, wiggle, talk, moan, thrash, leg bang, etc.) in her sleep without attending to her, she's slept through the night. We would put her down in the evening, I'd wake to feed her once in the early morning (she'd stay asleep) and she'd sleep til we both got up.

I should also say that we sleep together. Not hatin on anyone else and their style, it just works well for us.

Then she turned 4 months old and learned how to do a bunch of new things (roll over well in both directions, suck her thumb, sit pretty much without help, and, my favorite, laugh really really hard) and suddenly I was deeply identifying with all the women at Next Months who came in with bags under their eyes and sleepy smiles (or tears) saying "this whole parenting thing is great. i love my kid. but for the love of god can they please sleep more than 45 minutes at a stretch while the sun is down?"

Hazel is a good sleeper. She just is. We didn't do anything to make her that way and I don't think we could do anything to break her of it. So she went back to something that resembled normal but we are entering a new day of belly sleeping that I would like to discuss.

Babies sleep better on their tummies - so well, in fact, that their SIDS rate goes up if you put them on their tummies to sleep, so, as a country, we don't do that anymore. But the rule is that if they flip themselves over after you place them on their back, they can stay that way to sleep.

I would like to ditch the nighttime swaddle for a couple reasons:

- Though Hazel can roll over unswaddled, she definitely cannot with a swaddle. There would be no belly sleeping if we kept it (at least not for a while).

- It is another thing I have to make sure is clean, set out ahead of time and deal with around sleep time.

- I don't like the way it pins her arms down all night long. I think it feels good to be able to stretch and move, and Hazel, the side sleeper, can get into her sleep position of choice if her arms are free.

- It makes her sweaty on the top and cold on the bottom.

- Perhaps most importantly: we get to snuggle without it.

However, we are in no mans land because: the goal is to "let" (force?) her to turn over sometime at night and, therefore, be "swaddled" by the bed. She can't do that with a swaddle blanket on - she has to learn how without it, but she sleeps better with the swaddle blanket. So, we wait for her to figure it out.

It's been two night now. The first she woke up exactly as many times as she usually does (these days 2-3) to eat but I was all up on her and so the sweaty/sticky factor was worse. She also leaked through her diaper (I'm assuming because most of the night she was on her side) and got the bed all wet. Yum.

Last night she woke up exactly as many time as she usually does to eat and I stayed further away, giving her more space to do her turning. Though she didn't. There was also pee leakage.

So, in short, the swaddle blanket is not, in fact, making her sleep any longer (though I always assumed it did - maybe when she was smaller?) but it does keep her diaper squarely under her butt which keeps the pee in it.

Need diaper solutions, to know if your babe slept better once they flipped, how long after they started turning in the day they turned in the night. Please.

Structural Issues vs. Tensile Strength

2011-06-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

My baby spends most of her daytime in a carrier. There are several reasons for this: I like to do stuff that requires at least one hand free, my baby is HEAVY, I believe Dr. Sears & Co. are right that a carried baby is a happy baby and, probably most importantly, snuggling is the. best.

Every mother has crazy nonsense mother guilt and, as a serious and longtime yoga practitioner, I focus mine on Zuzu's physical development as related to her positioning during the day. This does not keep me up at night, but I do think about it and, when I remember, I ask people I trust what they think.

I still tuck her legs - they are short and she is uncomfortable with them out - especially in the ergo, because they don't reach. And, I figure, they were like that inside, so it can't be too bad.

Dr. Elias Kass says babies shouldn't sit on their bottoms until their second lumbar curve develops - crawling-ish age. The Ergo web site says use the infant insert (which I've never used, I just swaddled) until 4-6 months - a pretty wide range. The Moby site says you can put legs out with the cross behind the "seatbelt" but not with the cross in front. Sometimes the recommendation is a weight limit, sometimes its an age limit. What if they don't line up?

A woman who runs a moms group at my friend's birth center in LA says babies can keep their legs in as long as knees are above the hips. A physical therapist in my mom's group says as long as you have babies in a variety of positions throughout the day, no one position will do harm.

The ladies at Birth and Beyond say do whatever you want.

The Mongolian baby in the Babies movie was wrapped up so tight one would wonder how she could breathe and stuck on the back of a motorcycle for a trip to the city. I think that baby - and all Mongolian babies, turn out just fine.

I believe all of them, which means I never know what to do.

What about you? What do you think?

Stuff

2011-05-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

When you get pregnant, people give you things, which is great, until you try to get in your front door one day and it is completely blocked, like the closet of a child, with baby things overflowing from ceiling to floor.

Sean would love to live on a boat, and I joke (half serious) that we sort of already do. Everything in our 900 square foot house has a place, there aren't many things, and if something new comes in, something old has to go. I wanted to be careful and purposeful about what baby stuff we kept and where we kept it. Hazel doesn't have a room (or, rather, her room is our room, which was full to begin with) and so everything we have for her is in use, all the time, and is out in our regular living space.

Beth Coyote says all babies need after they're born is blankets, boobs, love and diapers. That is true - and if you wanna get really paired down, they don't even really "need" diapers or blankets, but they make life easier. I would add just a couple more things, but not many.

Here is my exhaustive list of what I consider to be essential, regardless of parenting style, size of house or temperament of baby:

STUFF

Diapers: Unless you are super committed to being diaper free all the time, you need something. We started with cloth from the beginning and loved/love them. A very long story short on diaper research and after trying a few kinds, Fuzzi Bunz are our favorite.

A Carrier (Sling for small baby, Moby for medium baby, Ergo-ish for big baby):

You cannot get anything done without a carrier and babies sleep at least twice as long when worn then put down. Hazel was almost 9 pounds at birth and was perfectly reasonable to carry on one shoulder up until about 11 pounds. I loved my Kangaroo Korner pouch (they don't make them anymore so you have to go to craigslist or Me and Moms), both for nursing in public and for the convenience of getting it on and off, and her in and out, easily. Then she got way too heavy.

The Moby is lovely, even though it takes forever to get comfortable using, because it is soft and flexible, so as she gained better head control, she was happy to be in it awake or asleep and it evenly distributed her weight across my shoulders and hips.

The Ergo is where we're headed when she is a little taller and can splay her legs and sit on her bottom.

Amazon Prime Membership: It was pretty hard to regularly get to the store so I ordered lots of things (with free shipping) on Amazon - bibs (the spit up was out of control), shampoo and bar soap, special diaper-washing soap, soothies (see below), whatever.

Soothies: Even if breastfeeding goes smoothly, nipples get sore. If you have challenges, nipples get sore-er. I very much looked forward to a fresh, cold pair of soothies from the fridge every time I finished nursing.

Girdle in Two Sizes: This is gross to think about but girdles are awesome - and you can call them whatever you want ("support", "control", "spanx", "belly bandit"). I had a wrap around velcro kind and it not only put me back in my jeans, but, more importantly, saved my back. I gained a lot of weight in pregnancy, so I had two - one for the couple weeks after Hazel was born, and one for the next months as I got even smaller.

Jennifer Mendelson: I suppose you might like another postpartum doula (or have a really wonderful mom/sister/friend who will come over and sweep, answer any question you may have about your baby, cut their fingernails, help you get some sleep, solve all your problems, etc.) but Jennifer Mendelson is the best. She came twice a week for a few hours each and was worth every penny.

Aden and Anais Swaddle Blankets: Are affordable, big enough, lightweight, easy to wash, easy to pack in a bag and beautiful. This is how a baby sleeps.

THE INTANGIBLES

First Weeks: Community, normalizing crazy feelings, scales for weighing babies, tons of information. Wonderful.

The Nursing Room in the Back of Kids Club: Now, I whip my boob out wherever I want (and she has notrouble getting on), but at the beginning, it was so nice to have a cozy, private, comfortable place where I could spread out all my stuff, get in position and stay as long as I needed. Then change a diaper when I was done. Then go do some shopping.

A Meal Train: The meal train served two purposes - getting food in my mouth and seeing real, rested, sane, grown up people. I'd snuggle and feed Hazel all day and then get to see a friend in the evening and share a meal. I recommend this to everyone.

And, if you end up needing it:

A Hygeia Pump: Only $50 more (if that) than the popular Ameda and Medela pumps, Hygeia has several added benefits: it's a "closed system" so it's approved for sharing - it's clean and safe to pass it along when you're done, the warranty passes with it, even to a new owner, they'll take them back and RECYCLE (!) them when they're truly broken, they come with a larger flange (more comfortable for most women than the standard size), they are quieter, less painful to use and have a recording device to capture your baby's noises to help with let down if they aren't around. The. Best.

An Emily Healy: Emily's a lactation consultant. I hope you don't need one, but if you do, call her.

WHAT I DID NOT NEED:

Toys: All she wanted to do was eat, sleep or look at us.

A Pacifier: She wouldn't take one.

Baby Food in Jars: Table food is so far off and is mostly sugar and water. Much easier to just steam whatever we're eating and give that to her.

A Whole Bunch of Clothes: Especially not the small ones. She was out of newborn size faster than she could wear half of what we had and was up to 6-12 months size before she was 3 months.

A crib: We knew ahead of time that she'd sleep in our bed...

A bassinet: But we thought she may nap or occasionally sleep in the bassinet. She didn't. We "used" a beautiful family heirloom (made for my mom and her siblings by my grandfather close to 70 years ago). It's still in our room, taking up space, piled high with clean towels.

Z

2011-05-23T16:21:00.001-07:00

Now I am Hazel's Mother

2011-02-13T10:05:00.000-08:00

Hazel and I spent my first Mothers Day at Town Hall with Ina May Gaskin. She said one of the ways to promote normal birth is to "not shut up about your nice birth" and to protect pregnant women from horror stories. So, here's my commitment to the former.

The night before Hazel was born we had Holly, newly pregnant, over for dinner and Molly was about to go back to LA after a week visiting us and attending her homeopathy class. Sean made pork chops and I made roasted brussel sprouts. I had had some braxton hicks contractions during the day and they felt a little stronger as we ate, slowly lifting my belly off my lap and gently setting it back down every 5-20 minutes, but it wasn’t too bothersome and I didn’t think it would go anywhere. I didn’t tell anyone about them. We played an incredibly boring game of Apples to Apples and around 10:00p Holly went home and Sean, Molly and I went to bed. In bed, the BH got a little stronger and closer together, but I still didn’t think anything was happening. I had convinced myself I’d be pregnant and miserable forever, so I was fully in denial that I was finally in early labor.

I wasn’t able to get to sleep, though Sean was completely out, so I thought about things and wiggled until I had to get up and walk around. I tried to be quiet, so as not to wake Molly, who would leave early in the morning with Sean for the airport. Around 2:00a I got back in bed, determined to Go To Sleep. That’s what you do in early labor, you sleep sleep sleep. However, contractions were every 2 or 3 minutes now and strong - one broke my water at 2:30a. I couldn’t believe it. I felt all wet, but wasn’t sure until I went to the bathroom and listened as Niagara whooshed into the toilet for probably 2 minutes. I came out and woke sleepy Molly who was excited but cool - the perfect friend and midwife - and asked her to check heart tones. She did, baby was fine and I started my day of walking around the house. Contractions were slowly getting stronger and were still very close but it was manageable. Molly delayed her flight so she could stay. I’m so glad she didn’t miss it! She was the embodiment of joyous sunshine, which was just what Sean needed and no doubt kept him sane. Whenever his man friends ask him how our homebirth went and if it was, like, "intense" (meaning horrifying), he says, cool as a cucumber, "no man, molly was there."

When the sun came up, contractions spaced out a LOT. I walked and walked and walked, sitting on the ball every once in a while but mostly walking. It felt best to stand during contractions and I leaned on things: Sean, the wall, a doorjamb, whatever and moaned when they came, which was more and more infrequent.

Molly, seeing how slow things were, suggested a walk, but I was nowhere near in the mood to be in front of the neighbors. We compromised on going into the backyard, where she threw the ball for Frida and I had two contractions - moaning and all - before going back inside to pace.

I remember that the contractions were strong, though far apart, and absolutely taking all my attention when they came, but I said to Sean several times that they didn’t hurt and that this whole labor thing was not so bad. He hung out with Molly, did GMAT problems and stayed in touch with Jen Men. Maggee called and heard me in the background. “This labor thing is for real” I heard him tell her.

In the afternoon Molly suggested a beer, which I guzzled down and promptly fell asleep. That beer was amazing. I woke up as the sun went down, which is when the real work began.

My contractions were back to 2-3 minutes apart and much stronger. I have some serious amnesia about that part. I remember Sean doing math on the couch while I leaned my head on his lap and wiggled around on the ball. At some point, I demanded that the birth tub be ready for me, but the woman had only just arrived to set it up and I knew full well how long that was going to take. Shit.

All day I kept heat on my belly and back. I’m sure it got too hot for her but made the sensation so bearable.

I was sure I was nowhere - maybe 2 or 3 cm. and since I ruptured so early thought I would definitely get chorio if I got in our own dirty bathtub this early. That kept me out of it for about 5 minutes before I filled it up and got in. Sean and Molly filled the other tub and set the table up for Jenn. They called JenMen when I started getting louder and she arrived at just the right moment.

I couldn’t get comfortable in our bathtub - it felt so small and cramped. I eventually stood, ankle deep in the water and faced the back wall, pounding the tiles and counting to 4 the sides of the grout squares between them. When Jen walked in I told her my “stuff” wasn’t working anymore and that I needed a “new thing”. She knew exactly what I meant and when she told me we’d figure it out I believed her.

The birth tub was maybe a few inches high when I decided it was time to get in. Everyone told me it wasn’t ready, but I insisted on sitting, pathetically, in practically no water while they filled it up. That was when I started to get really high.

Sean was in and out of the tub. He preferred out, I preferred in. I remember telling him several times that I was afraid. He asked of what and I wasn’t sure. I think I just said it hurt. It felt good to be able to tell someone. I was constantly moving around and started complaining - thecontractions were really hard now and I was SURE I was still in early labor. I accidentally kicked Sean in the balls and felt terribly about it but couldn't get any words of apology out. As Jenn walked through the door, I demanded that she call Sally Avenson and take me to the hospital. She asked why I wanted to go and I said, frustrated because I was sure she already knew, “an epidural!”. Duh. She said she needed to check me first. I said I would let her and also wait for the tub to get all the way full before I made them take me. Then I had a contraction and changed my mind. I wanted to go now. Jenn insisted on checking me. I told her I was afraid it would hurt and asked if she could be very gentle. She smiled and said, “I’ll do my best.”

She checked me (very well, with no pain at all) and smiled.

“Oh Emma,” she said. Then she asked if I wanted to know where I was and I said,

“I’m 2, I know I’m 2!”

“You’re 9+” she said. “You can push when you want to”.

Liar!

“Don’t lie!” I said and she laughed.

“You’re 9+, I swear!”

“9 or lip?”

“9”

Somehow I forgot about the epidural.

One or two contractions later I felt a need to push - upward. It took my breath away and I felt as though I’d have the baby out my mouth. That really freaked me out. For a couple contractions I couldn’t breathe. I kept asking for someone to hold a pot under me, but I never did throw up. Then she started moving down.

It wasn’t so bad. I felt completely high. In the photos I look drunk. I couldn’t open both eyes, only one, so I just shut both. She moved down quickly and then I just knew I should feel for her. I reached down and felt lots and lots of hair just beginning to emerge. I waited and she came down and down.

Jen Men and Sean alternated holding an ice pack on my back - heaven. I know the pain of leaning over the side of a tub, pushing an ice pack on someone's back with all my might and told Jen Men she should swap someone in if she needed a break.

Hazel was almost here when I felt her coming down and back up. She was so low and then she’d shake her head “no”, as if she wasn’t quite ready to be born, and go back up. This made total sense to me. It seemed like she knew what she was doing. I hadn’t done much to push her out, she just came down on her own, so I knew she’d come all the way when it was time. The stretching was ok - I wouldn't call it fiery. I think years of yoga conditioned me for that.

Jenn reminded me not to bear down since she was crowning. I opened my eyes to look at her and said, “oh, yeah!” and pah-pah-pah-ed a few times. Her cord was tight around her neck so Jenn explained to Sean how to receive her body through it, as I had wanted him to catch, but he decided this was a job for a professional.

She was born into Jenn’s hands at 10:55pm and Sean lifted her out of the water up to me. I said “I did it!” a bunch of times. It all felt so fast and I couldn’t believe she was here already. Sean told me she was a girl and asked if I wanted to tell everyone her name. I wanted him to and he announced her.

She was quiet and alert and I looked her over. I thought she was big. I was so happy she had hair!!! We sat in the water for a long time looking at each other, becoming family. It was the best day of my life.

Hazel weighed 8 lbs. 13 oz., which, when everyone thinks you're going to have an 11 pound baby, seems "small". I would like to thank Katerina Wen for teaching me how to breathe and yield since the age of 11, my mother for a bone structure that makes for easy baby havin' and for birthing me at home, and the amazing, supportive, strong, awesome, helpful, patient, quiet, peaceful, spectacular women who took care of me and witnessed my journey into parenthood: Jenn Isaaks, Jennifer Mendelson and Ms. Molly Moon. And Sean, my baby daddy. I love you all.

My Year Without Chicken

2011-02-13T10:02:00.001-08:00

I started out being congested. Sooooooooo congested. That part never went away. Then tired. Then nauseas. Then, when my boobs tripled in size, Sean figured it out but I didn't believe him. There was no reason I should be pregnant. I must be sick. I scheduled a doctor's appointment and the morning of the appointment Jasmine told me she had a dream about my baby girl.

I went to my appointment with Jena, Sean and my doctor, and before I even sat down in the chair she said, smiling, "Oh, Emma. You're not sick. You're pregnant." She is not a midwife and doesn't see pregnant women in her practice much, but that day she was wearing a big, wooden fertility symbol on her necklace and looked at me in the most knowing way. I still didn't believe her. I didn't even have have her check my pee test in the office. She was late and had someone else coming in and I was eager to return to bed, so I left it with her, along with a blood sample and started driving home.

She called me 4 minutes later, before I had arrived in the driveway and said I should pull over. That was the end (beginning) of that!

Being a doula, pregnancy has been fascinating, challenging, both familiar and quite foreign. Growing a baby, and a relationship with this unknown person, experiencing massive changes in my body and watching other people's responses (both loved ones and strangers) is part of a wonderful connection that is, most of the time, very special and nourishing. People who have been critical or unsupportive have been particularly difficult for me to cope with - pregnancy creates an unbearable vulnerability.

We will go into labor any time now. What a relief to be this close! Both to conclude the pregnancy (yesss!!!!!) and to know we have a big, healthy baby who is finally ready to come out. Boy or girl? big or small? (I have a guess on that one) look like me or sean? I'm pretty sure it will have dark hair, if any at all, but there are so many surprises to look forward to.

I think our labor/birth story will be next. Maybe before the end of the month!

stands with a fist

2010-10-10T13:31:00.001-07:00

we are having a kid.

The Interweb

2010-06-05T21:45:00.001-07:00

As it turns out, everyone has a blog.

Butter

2010-06-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to be become more self-sufficient (and to avoid alcohol, parabens and other gross stuff in what I put on my body), I've been making products a little for myself, but mostly for my clients.

I've started with Belly Butter and Belly Oil because stretch marks are something I get asked about all the time (at a prenatal visit the other day, the woman was actually scratching her belly the entire time. I dropped off Belly Butter the next day and she was thrilled.)

The Oil is simple because the consistency is easier to alter. Jojoba is thin, olive is medium, vitamin E is thick. It doesn't take a rocket scientist.

The butter is harder because I haven't found a recipe I like and the components are tricky to balance. I am mainly using beeswax, cocoa butter, coconut oil and calendula infused olive

oil. Last week I made a bunch of different batches and diligently took notes after each had set up about their relative strengths and weaknesses. I think I've finally found a really good one and have 2 mamas to drop it off with, so I will anxiously await their responses.

The whole line is at babydaydoula.com and includes Sitz Bath Herbs, Baby Wipes, Belly Butter and Oil. Diaper cream is coming next.

A cult family came to look at renting the house over the weekend and they asked about my apothecary. "You must be a duala or something" they said. In fact I am, I told them. I will never tire of hearing the variations people come up with on the word doula: duala, like these ladies, bobu, babu, dubu, poopoo. It's hilarious.

My Helios kit also arrived!

Graduation

2010-05-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

Sean is now officially a doctor of the juris. Molly, our soon to be ND is Dr. Easy, and Sean, the newly minted lawyer is Dr. Sleazy. They've been having a lot of fun with that. I'm glad I don't have any big tests coming up (unlike some people I know).

Sean was the speaker at graduation. He was great.

Beth is back from Haiti.

I did not in any way alter the photo at left in postproduction.

A lovely VBAC a few days ago - my record is unmarred. All successful so far. The baby is gorg. His sister, fascinated with mama's placenta and how we were cooking it, said "emma! emma! emma! emma's here!" until she feel asleep at nap time. I brought her a harmonica to celebrate the birth. We shared an apple. Charmed, I'm sure - she and I both.

Maggee is coming for breakfast on Monday!

Peter Brandon is a gem. Don't believe me, go see for yourself.

Two people I went to high school with were on a hospital tour with me last week having babies. I freaked out.

It's bedtime.

sunday

2010-05-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

There are some sick babies and a sick mama. Sean and I spent a few days and nights sitting in the Special Care Nursery holding the babes because mama couldn't be there. We talked to them and fed them (all donated breastmilk!) and changed them. Then my temperature went up 2 degrees. Babies.

Sunday Brunch Club is the bomb.

We got peppers (sweet and spicy), corn, heirloom tomatoes, tons of herbs, and cold at the Tilth Edible Plant Sale on Saturday. I can't wait to walk out the front door and have fresh basil, thyme, curry, etc. in the front yard (farm).

Tomorrow I get an ultrasound to "visualize" my parts. Here's hoping no transvaginal will be necessary and if it is that there's a moving head. It sounds like we're just going to meditate on it. Visualize your uterus...

weekend

2010-04-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

Do I care if Maxfield Parrish prints are sappy and indulgent? no.

Yum. This weekend two delightful twins were born and the next day was two more delightful twins' first birthday. Full circle. I also got to visit with a couple clients with 10 month olds who had a going-away brunch. There were a lot of babies around this weekend! I really do think they recognize me from their first day.

I owe Sam Musen a phone call. I have to pack or throw away everything in my house in the next 3 months. One beer made me completely drunk this afternoon. I love prosciutto. I have a double placenta to prepare on Wednesday. It's almost skirt weather.

SPRING

2010-04-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

The sun is warming the air and our hearts! The birds are chirping! Gorgeous strawberries are going through puberty!

The Sunday Brunch Club had a nice recovery from the Barrister's Ball this morning. Sloppy law students stumbled around the aquarium and grabbed each other's butts last night. We dined on huevos rancheros and omelets this morning. Molly and I fantasized about dennyblainebeach on the sunny, windy drive home and about living down the street from each other. We move to wallingford - the house I was born in - August 1 and will be mere blocks from her, fremont, 45th, everything. In contrast to our current north end farm-like yard and gratuitous 6 bedroom palace, I think Wallingford will feel like manhattan.

I miss having entomadas for breakfast every day. Black beans are magic.

I'm starting a book - to write, not to read. Offer to read it and help me make improvements. I want to be done in a year. It's about birth.

But seriously, I even had to buy SUNGLASSES today!

True

2010-04-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

"sometimes, all you need to do to breathe new life into your relationship with an overly used vegetable is to come up with a fresh way to cut it. Slice, dice, mince, chop, sliver - there are countless ways to think about size and texture in relation to food."

heidi swanson

professional photos

2010-04-10T09:45:00.001-07:00

i love my wrinkles.

Portlandia

2010-04-09T18:23:00.001-07:00

I visited Maggee in Portland last weekend (and roller skated for Christine's birthday - only such a momentous occasion could bring me to put skates on). It was wonderful to get out of Seattle and away from work for a couple days and to spend time with only ladies! I love ladies!

Je-sus

2010-03-31T19:47:00.001-07:00

In an effort to get this whole progesterone thing straightened out (without progesterone) I am taking a shit load of stuff to nurture my body's own ability to make it. I take 13 pills in the morning and another 3 in the evening. 16 per day. Gawd.

There's 8,000 IU Vitamin D (2 caps), 4,000 mg. Cod Liver (which has to be 4 separate pills - heaven forbid they make a 2,000 mg. capsule), 3 adrenal support, 3 Nourish Essence (chinese herbs) and a prenatal. At least they're not drugs.

Also part of my homework: going to bed at the same time every night (11:00p) and waking up at the same time (8:00a) and eating protein every 2-3 hours/getting enough protein with every meal (never enough! never enough!). All to say "I love you sweet adrenals, even though I knock you around sometimes. Please don't be sad. If you hold it together I'll buy you a pony."

Giving

2010-03-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

Today I gave my local Real Change vendor a 10 dollar bill and he told me he didn't have any change. I told him that was fine because I wanted to give him a 10, but I regretted I wouldn't be able to help him with his change problem. He didn't seem to believe me and looked at me for a second before saying thank you. "No problem," I said. "No really," he said, "you made my day". As I started to walk away he said, "wait, please, let me tell you why. I'm on disability and it's the end of the month, so I'm out of money and I only had $3.50 to buy 10 papers today with nothing left over. Now I can buy more papers and have enough for dinner before I get my check for next month. You totally changed the day for me and I really appreciate it. I really appreciate it. Thank you."

When I hear things like that I want to take him inside and buy him lunch myself along with the $10, but that would be awkward. And, for whatever reason I feel like I'd be emasculating him - this young woman with so much to spare looking a grown man in the face and saying, "Let me help you." If you're shopping at Whole Foods, you're pretty much willing to spend $10 on an onion, so why not skip something you don't need and give $10/$20 to the Real Change vendor? Or ask them what they would like and bring them a meal on the way out. Real Change is a legitimate organization (so effective and popular we had one just like it in Namibia) and the folks who are employed there work for their pay. The more papers they can buy, the more they can sell. So help a brother/sister out.

Domingo

2010-03-23T22:56:00.001-07:00

On wednesday I took a soap making class with Ben Busby-Collins of Ballard Organics FOR FREE at Whole Foods. While the whole fumes from lye thing is attractive, I think I'll stick with buying my soap for now. I'm busy enough making other things.

Yesterday was Sean's birthday and we went out to dinner with Darren, Tracy, Robert and Celeste. I love Kevin's take on southern food - particularly anything he fries - and the chicken sandwich didn't let me down.

I am officially reviving Sunday brunch. I feel that my knowledge of good brunch spots is woefully lacking, so starting with the original Sunday brunch location (The Madison Park Cafe), we'll rotate weekly. You're invited. Give me some good ideas.

El Sol

2010-03-22T14:35:00.000-07:00

The sun has been out. for real.

When I saw Michael Pollan speak at Town Hall he talked about carrots. He said that food scientists tried and tried to isolate the component of carrots that was good for our eyesight. (Or good for anything. Carrots are great on so many levels.) He said it didn't work. He said a food is more than just the sum of it's parts - that as a whole food it has a different power than anything you could extract from it to put in a capsule.

That's how I feel about the sun. You can go on vacation, or sit in front of a full spectrum UV lightbulb, or take your vitamin D (8,000 IU for me - a darkish skinned woman in my childbearing years) but it doesn't compare to coming out of 9 months of darkness and feeling the sun on your face in Seattle. You just can't get the same sweet levity from a pill (or from a light bulb) that you can get from the actual, real life sun.

Summer, vegetable garden, beach, sunshine, here I come.

The Big Picture

2010-03-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

Last night Sean and I went to the Big Picture to see The Hurt Locker. One of our first dates was at El Gaucho (the only time either of us has been there) so it was fun to be in the same building, even if we weren't setting tables on fire and eating $50 cheese plates.

The Big Picture is the only place I will ever see movies again. Not only is the decor homey and luxurious. Not only are the seats super comfortable - like arm chairs. Not only is the patronage gallant and polite, offering to let me skip ahead in the line for the restroom because I'm a lady. But! If you order a beer (or wine, or whatever - because they serve drinks, duh), they will take your seat number and bring you another one halfway through the movie! It's like what I imagine screenings to be like in the White House. Who knew we had such a gem nestled just beneath one of Seattle's most overpriced downtown restaurants?

Love

2010-03-21T16:35:00.001-07:00

Fin de Semana

2010-03-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

Sean and I had a busy vernal equinox weekend! (Welcome welcome, Spring!) We're working on buying the new house and getting ready for the wedding (Seattle area bridesmaids will join me next week at JCrew to view their wedding collection! non-seattle area bridesmaids will be sorely missed). I got the new NW Doulas site up and running with help from Emily Weaver Brown Photography. We also managed to make time for a long walk with the dog, shopping for and buying a pair of grown-up pants @ anthro, Terresa and Kevin's opening of BlueAcre, Jen's birthday, Poker Night with the new table, meal planning for the next week and I finally had time to make more of my favorite toner (so easy - vodka, yarrow, rosemary, lemon balm, chamomile, peppermint, sage - voila). I also got Robert to eat a goji berry.

And, I really love having a job that allows me to "work" at the computer in my pajamas. I'm wearing them right now.

2010-03-13T16:14:00.001-08:00

Policemen in order from meanest to nicest:

1. motorcycle cops
2. car cops
3. bike cops
4. horse cops (swoon)

4am

2010-02-28T15:36:00.001-08:00

This morning I dragged myself out of a warm bed, bleary-eyed and still smelling of perfume, food and Sean's mezcal from last night's dinner party (only over 3 hours ago) to take a friend to the airport. As I drove to Columbia City in the almost daylight of 4am (which I am all too familiar with) I wondered, as I always do, about the other people on the road.

I saw: a hooters truck, a little mazda going over 100 miles an hour (estimated off my 80), a tiny 2 door filled with far more than 5 people all wearing head scarves and more than a couple non-cops driving crown victorias. This last one should be illegal.

Sean and I are trying to set a date for the wedding. Does anyone want to plan it for us?

International Women's Day

2010-02-19T18:08:00.000-08:00

Support midwives who catch babies everywhere. Appreciate women every day.

http://www.cornell.edu/video/index.cfm?VideoID=492

Delightful

2010-02-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

I bought a pair of handmade Quoddy weather boots. They are handsewn, by real people, in maine and have no glue, staples or plastic. Best of all they are lined in heavenly sheepskin. I don't want to think about how much they cost. I would rather think about slipping my foot into a cloud before walking out the door and saving my socks for my clogs. Good lord, worth every penny.

Also, our ice cream was delicious but we made too much. The honey, when cold, gave a waxy, trans-fat-y mouthfeel but delicious nonetheless. We will try sorbet when fruit is in season and I want to experiment with coconut milk instead of cream. Homemade coconut bliss here I come!

They should come to me!

2010-02-19T13:02:00.001-08:00

I got an early morning call and went over to a woman's house where I found her and her man in the most enjoyable early labor I've ever seen. Her cxs were kicking her butt every 2 minutes but they laughed and talked about the paintings they picked for the nursery (Dali's "Siete Días de la Creación"). She said she felt like day 6: "making form out of nothing" she called it. Tell me about it.

Dali's series is very interesting - dreamy and liquid (and in simple pencil on paper ascribes to the high contrast fad everyone's into for optimal development for newborns) but is also, admittedly, probably terrifying to a 2 or 3 year old. They reversed the order so the scarier ones would be farther from the bassinet.

As her cxs got more and more intense she had 10-30 seconds in between in which to tell us how she felt, so it took a couple stops and starts to get there, but what ended coming out was, "This is hard....this is so hard....I shouldn't have to go to them, they should come to me...Is there someone who can come here and deliver my baby?...why did we even plan to go to the hospital in the first place? Why did we do that?"
Exactly.

Dancing Queen

2010-02-17T15:05:00.000-08:00

February

2010-02-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

I started the day cookin up a placenta and visiting with a new little babe, Eden Peach. Grandparents abounded at this new threesome's house and I was a very pleased and mostly silent witness to all the warmth and bustle of the oldest generation ushering in the newest. Boundaries are tested and knowledge is passed and one way or the other babies get fed and changed and loved.

I walk with Molly this afternoon and then will make spicy chicken enchiladas which will triply please the dog for 1. seeing her friend molly 2. walking and 3. a warm oven to nap in front of. I will try to get motivated for ballet afterward, but it all depends on how yummy the enchiladas are and, therefore, how many of them I eat.

New little buds are coming up in the garden (along with all the babies) and I am slightly worried. I sense the winter chill has not been completely wrung from the earth and want the beautiful colors to stay, stay! to bring us through the spring.

In other news, I send in my application for a midwifery workshop at The Farm today. I had to send in a picture of myself - who does that anymore? I'm sure this isn't some sort of hippie beauty contest but it sure feels like it.

Yum.

2010-02-16T22:04:00.001-08:00

Sean and I just returned from a month long holiday in Mexico and man, we had some awesome food. Chapulines, entomatadas, so many different kinds of mole, squash blossom soup, green, red and brown salsas, mezcal, epazote quesadillas.

For a long time I earned quite the reputation as a terrible, inedible, cook-to-be-feared. Let's back up. "Cook" shouldn't even be in that sentence, as what I did was ruin perfectly good food - heat or no heat - and spent a lot of time eating out.

I LOVE to eat. I love to eat. I dream about food and most of our travels center around where/how/what to eat. Eating is a highlight in every day and at some point I realized that my children were going to spend a lot of time complaining and/or eating elsewhere (as Sean does now) if I didn't learn to cook. We can't go to The Steelhead and Crow and Portage Bay every day.

It's not easy. I didn't grow up cooking. I can't smell. I've got some major strikes against me, but I continue to practice and hope to improve.

We had some amazing food in Mexico (including a cooking class with Oscar, a Oaxaquenan chef) and were inspired after trying some cayenne chocolate ice cream to buy an ice cream maker. Our evening project has been ice cream making. We aren't using Oscar's recipe, as we don't have the chocolate we need (we brought chapulines home but not chocolate - it was a silly choice) we are making honey flavored instead. We'll let you know how it turns out.

In the meantime, read my beautiful and brilliant friend Hillary's blog: www.healthygirlcooking.com

2010-02-12T23:04:00.001-08:00

I'm here now.